Comment Here (Writing Assignment #2) - Rough Draft
comment on my writing assignment #2 here
Outline - Speech #2
Title: College Campus Safety and Security Introduction Hook Sentence: Do you feel safe on your campus? Problems: Most times students feel scared to walk home from a night class or even from another dorm when it starts to get dark out. This is a big problem because violence is getting worse in the United States not just on college campuses, but everywhere. Campus safety needs to do a better job of reassuring students that they are in good hands and safe at all times of the day. In Iowa City alone this past semester there have been multiple incidents of crime, whether this be inside of a dorm, or on the streets. Examples: Male student in Petersen Hall watching girls sleep at night. Male found roaming around Catlett Hall with a knife. Two men shot downtown. University of Iowa student abducted and found dead. (not on campus) Rape Victims (from all college campuses) Solution to the Issue: We should have patrols outside for reassurance and make sure t...
Hi Leah, I liked your research on the survey for the field hockey team. However, I think it would really help if you can specify why your research is important. For example, how there is a demand for this knowledge.
ReplyDelete1. It would be helpful if you don't use first person such as "I" and "you" in the research paper, this will not help build reputation.
2. It would be nice if you can include more about the research questions in your writing. For example, talk more technical about the results (statistics) and include the specific questions and why you chose to use them.
3. It would be nice if you can include and Appendix page in the end of your paper, with all of the questions you used in the research.
4. Also, there needs to be 4 credible sources for the assignment, and I see that you only have three. So adding one or more will be helpful!
When looking at your paper I thought for the most part it was well done. However, their were many thing I Would consider to work on. First I would try and make a larger gap of knowledge in your abstract. I could tell that you tried to have one sort of, but you really were unable to get that point across. Next your introduction had great facts and information, but you need to elaborate more with more studies and especially more sources. Having more sources diversifies your paper and makes you information seem more realistic if you have several factual sources cited. your methods and results were pretty straight forward and on your discussion you need to include more information. THIS IS ARGUABLY the most important part of the paper you need to add future research, implications and just more detail to wrap up you report.
ReplyDeleteIn regards to the IMRaD format I would say that you followed it well other than leaving out important details, as I previously said in abstract, intro, and discussion. I thought your methods were thoroughly expressed and include all the details that you would have had to done to complete this survey. Along with that your results were clear and it was easy to follow your graphs and how you expressed the data you collected.
This survey is important and is an interesting topic. Try and include some ways on how the coaches perhaps track the sleep. I have friends on the football team and I know they have to wear a wristband to track if they are getting enough sleep. Just something to think about.
Overall your paper had great ideas, it also needs some work, but so does everyone else paper. I think if you clean up your grammar because I saw some issues with that and include more information in those sections I included you could have a very solid paper to turn in.
Another thing I forgot to tell you is your appendix page this is important because it proves your facts and shows everyone that reads the paper, what you actually asked and what the results look like in a spreadsheet type look.
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