Comment Here (Writing Assignment #2) - Rough Draft
comment on my writing assignment #2 here
Topic Proposal
I chose field hockey and some of the primary factors in your life that can impact your play for my topic proposal. This is important because many collegiate field hockey players have a lot of stress, sleep variations, and specific diets they go by. I always wanted to do a research study on other field hockey players and how these factors affect them. My first research question is, how does stress from school play a factor on how you play? Second, how does sleep impact how you play? Lastly, how does your diet impact how you play? I will be providing a survey with detailed questions to find out the affects of your average day having an impact on your play.
Hi Leah, I liked your research on the survey for the field hockey team. However, I think it would really help if you can specify why your research is important. For example, how there is a demand for this knowledge.
ReplyDelete1. It would be helpful if you don't use first person such as "I" and "you" in the research paper, this will not help build reputation.
2. It would be nice if you can include more about the research questions in your writing. For example, talk more technical about the results (statistics) and include the specific questions and why you chose to use them.
3. It would be nice if you can include and Appendix page in the end of your paper, with all of the questions you used in the research.
4. Also, there needs to be 4 credible sources for the assignment, and I see that you only have three. So adding one or more will be helpful!
When looking at your paper I thought for the most part it was well done. However, their were many thing I Would consider to work on. First I would try and make a larger gap of knowledge in your abstract. I could tell that you tried to have one sort of, but you really were unable to get that point across. Next your introduction had great facts and information, but you need to elaborate more with more studies and especially more sources. Having more sources diversifies your paper and makes you information seem more realistic if you have several factual sources cited. your methods and results were pretty straight forward and on your discussion you need to include more information. THIS IS ARGUABLY the most important part of the paper you need to add future research, implications and just more detail to wrap up you report.
ReplyDeleteIn regards to the IMRaD format I would say that you followed it well other than leaving out important details, as I previously said in abstract, intro, and discussion. I thought your methods were thoroughly expressed and include all the details that you would have had to done to complete this survey. Along with that your results were clear and it was easy to follow your graphs and how you expressed the data you collected.
This survey is important and is an interesting topic. Try and include some ways on how the coaches perhaps track the sleep. I have friends on the football team and I know they have to wear a wristband to track if they are getting enough sleep. Just something to think about.
Overall your paper had great ideas, it also needs some work, but so does everyone else paper. I think if you clean up your grammar because I saw some issues with that and include more information in those sections I included you could have a very solid paper to turn in.
Another thing I forgot to tell you is your appendix page this is important because it proves your facts and shows everyone that reads the paper, what you actually asked and what the results look like in a spreadsheet type look.
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